Every Report, Eventually Delivered
After a decade of expert-level procrastination — gaming, napping, being handsome — The Procrastinator returns. Colbert left. The world broke. And now it's my problem. You're welcome, Nation.
We dive into our first real news segment and immediately discover that Sean's fact-checking skills are about as reliable as my alarm clock. Which is to say, they exist. Theoretically.
I found out what "woke" means and I have some thoughts. Spoiler: how dare they wake up while I'm still sleeping? Shame on them and everyone they slept with. I only sleep with myself.
We gather here today to mourn the mainstream media, which was apparently hijacked by the woke braindead leftist mob. Don't worry — that's why we're on YouTube. Like professionals. With a ring light.
Nation, I've developed a foolproof system for always being right. Step one: be me. Step two: see step one. Sean has questions about this methodology. Sean is wrong.
We break down the week's biggest headlines — two weeks after everyone else. That's not a bug, Nation, that's a feature. We let the dust settle. We let the truth marinate. We let Sean Google it.
"I'll get to the rest of the episodes when I get to them. That's not laziness, Nation. That's editorial judgment. I'm curating the truth at my own pace."— The Procrastinator, on his release schedule